By Elliot Bell
This just in: I, the self-proclaimed sports nerd, have an actual girlfriend. Seriously. I know many people thought this day would never come and I am pretty sure my dad still thinks I am gay. Sure I have asked out a lot of girls in the past, but our conversations for the most part end as follows:
Me: So, any chance of us getting together?
Girl: Haha, is this one of your jokes again?
Beth, the girl who took a chance on me, is incredible. She is gorgeous, smart, athletic and doesn’t mind making out while Sportscenter is on in the background. I honestly feel like the luckiest guy on campus because there isn’t a girl that is quite as special as Beth is to me.
That being said, the rest of this column is devoted to explaining why I would still rather have sports over a girlfriend any day of the year.
Now Beth says she will never dump me. That makes me feel pretty good, but until she signs a contract saying that, I can’t totally believe it. How does she know she will never dump me? But I do know that sports will never dump me. They can’t. Sure, teams can change cities and certain sports go on strike, but no matter what – sports will always be there. I am in complete control when it comes to my relationship with sports. The only other relationship I have complete control with is my hand, which is a completely different reason to choose sports over girls.
Money. Cash money is what it all comes down to. It’s sad that I have to say this, but having a girlfriend is expensive. Apparently girls are running around talking about equality, but when the check arrives it’s proper for the man to pay. And I know that not all girls are like that. Beth always offers money, but a guy can’t help but feel bad when the girl tries paying. And why do all guys offer to pay? Because if you want action later, you better pay for dinner (Note: Send all letters complaining about my sexist views to my editor – not me. Thanks).
With sports I don’t have to pay money if I want to see my team in action. Turn on the radio or television and enjoy. There are no birthdays or one year anniversaries to remember. No copious amounts of gifts are needed to make your teams happy. I do spend money on sports, but I consider playoff tickets and retro jerseys as essentials.
You may sense my argument is losing steam, and right about now I am desperately thinking of any reasons that sports is better. Well, you are right. But I am far from done.
A month from now, I will travel to Virginia to meet Beth’s parents. Ugh. Her 6-foot-5 father shouldn’t be that intimidating, right? Well in all my years with sports I never had to impress any parental figures. I can watch sports in my underwear and never have to think about looking nice and impressing anyone. Beth has told me her father is the world’s best father, and that her mother cooks as if inspired by the Lord himself. So that puts me at ease, but visiting her family could just be a comedy of errors. I better bring Sports Illustrated or my brown paper bag to breathe into when I hyperventilate.
A good female friend of mine was appalled to here the topic of this column. She just couldn’t comprehend how sports would even compare to girlfriend. She mentioned things like companionship, love and kissing. Well, I watch every game with my best friend, love all my hometown teams and kissing isn’t really important. It may seem unreal, but everything a girl can bring to the table, sports can to – and better!
Case in point. Most girls will argue and many guys will agree that nothing takes the place of a woman’s touch. Now that I have a girlfriend I am finding this out for myself. Beth’s fingers are like magic and I couldn’t think about not being around her. But Beth is only one girl. With sports come options. In my hometown I have four major professional teams along with about six minor league teams to choose from. If the Eagles are doing poorly I can check out the Phillies or Flyers. If Beth is in a bad mood I am stuck. There is no going over to Tessa’s or Linny’s room when Beth is having a bad day.
By now I have probably lost all female readers, and I don’t want you thinking I am a sexist pig who has no heart. I just love sports more than I could ever love a girl. And if that means I am destined to sit alone on a couch in my late forties sipping a beer scratching myself while cheering for the very same teams I cheer for today, then so be it.
My pops got married and sometimes I sit back and laugh when he has to go to Bed Bath and Beyond with mom and miss the start of Eagles games. He usually just tells me to get familiar with my hand, since that is the only thing that will put up with me. He makes a good point.
But for now I am happily involved. I have the Eagles, Sixers (even if they do suck), Flyers and Phillies all to keep me company. Yeah, it’s the perfect relationship. I seriously couldn’t be any happier. Oh, yeah, and then there is Beth. I can see us having a long, happy future together until this article is published.