By Ryan Sexton, Assistant B-Section Editor
The 53rd annual Grammys were a showcase in fashion just as much as music. Lady Gaga gave us a dose of metallic retro buzz, holding an uncomfortable looking ornament of some kind. Not surprisingly, no one topped Miss Gaga in terms of outlandish garb.
The first performance of the night was by Lady Gaga, accompanied by Sir Elton John. Following their duet, Beyonce Knowles won “Best Song of the Year,” but was conspicuously absent. Taylor Swift won for “Best Country Album”, looking somewhat frail giving a nervous speech in a blinged-out blue dress. After, Beyonce took the stage, to the surprise of the audience, and played a visually stimulating set. She covered “You Ought to Know” by Alanis Morrisette.
Norah Jones and Ringo Starr were on the stage at the same time. It’s not clear why, but why not really. It was a year of sellouts. And now that Kings of Leon is up on stage, drunk, it wasn’t clear that they cared so much about the award as the after party. Next, Jamie Foxx was singing “Blame it on the alcohol,” with vigor. But when T Pain busted on stage and apparently forgot he was lip-synching, the show lost its luster. He kept pulling the mic away from his face, but the less than pretty auto tune lines didn’t stop.
Taylor Swift, after being introduced by Ryan Seacrest, took to the stage for a performance from her album “Fearless.” The fret board on her guitar had “Taylor” embedded in it, and with the surfeit of musicians in the background, things got a bit circus like. She won three Grammys tonight, and hopefully her ego won’t get as big as her production budget.
The Zach Brown Band, coming out of left field somewhat, took home the best new artist award. If you’ve been anywhere near New York or a radio in the past year you would have sworn it was MGMT, or anyone else. But not the Zach Brown Band, fronted by a Zach Galafianakis look alike and playing Jesus and pals straight up country fried tunes.
One of the highlights of the night, according to CBS, was the star studded Michael Jackson tribute. After a flimsy video intro, Jennifer Hudson, Celine Dion, Carrie Underwood, Smokey Robinson, and Usher did a heart warming rendition of one of Michael’s song, emanating a lot of star power. The vocal finesse was enough to combat the fact that it wasn’t Michael’s best song, but overall, the piece was done well.
Sheryl Crow welcomed Bon Jovi onto the stage, to perform “We weren’t born to follow” and “Who says you can’t go home.” Andrea Bocelli and Mary J. Blige performed “Bridge Over Troubled Water,” and despite their chops, it became apparent that Simon and Garfunkel had done it better.
Music Cares’ person of the year was Neil Young, announced in a seemingly arbitrary side speech after Bocelli and Blidge’s performance. Preceding Album of the Year was a typically wooden performance by Dave Matthews and a cheeky intro by Adam Sandler. There were probably enough musicians on stage with Dave Matthews to start a riot, but theatrics aside, the musicianship shined through. At that point, watch checking was starting to become necessary. The bizarre pairings, unrealistic mélanges of musicians and performers, and the unceasing aggrandizing started to make things dream like. The fog cleared a bit, and Beyonce accepted an award for best female vocal performance.
Essentially, I consider this year’s awards to have been the official statement on behalf of the RIAA that rock and roll’s heart has stopped beating. For good. There was no mention of Muse, or heaven forbid any other band that did something this year. So with that, I will be averting my eyes from the masturbatory showcase unfolding on CBS and find out who won the “Album of the Year” tomorrow. Good night and good luck.

Taylor Swift posing with her first two grammys (Photo Courtesy of WireImage.com)