By Bryan Menegus, Columnist

Metallica & Lou Reed- Lulu

There is no sound reason as to why this record should exist, or why Lou Reed was allowed to warble tunelessly for an hour and a half over chugging guitars. Lulu is absolutely atrocious in every way. That said, this may be the most profound practical joke of all time, and nothing can do justice to the magnitude of its hilarity more than a reproduction of the hogwash this record passes for lyrics: “I feel the pain creep up my leg/ Blood runs from my nose/ I puke my guts out at your feet/ You’re more man than I/ To be dead and have no feeling/ To be dry and spermless, like a girl/ I want so much to hurt you (x3)/ Marry me.” There was a time when Metallica and Lou Reed existed on the cutting edge of music, but that time passed many, many decades ago.

RIYL: This record resembles nothing you have ever heard

Grade: F-/A++

End of Year Self Defense Family- Split

Sometimes these guys go by End of Year, other times by Self Defense Family, and other times still as Self Defense Music. Who gives a shit what their name is—for a scant three songs (one of which is a darkly humorous spoken word piece), this record is remarkably inventive—heavy yet atmospheric, impassioned but patient. Calling them by their right name might be as difficult as categorizing them, but this is a band to watch out for.

RIYL: Castevet mixed with Orchid

Grade: B+

The Decemberists- Long Live the King

Presumably this six-track outing from Colin Meloy and Co. is the spiritual companion to The King Is Dead, which they released earlier this year. Like that record, Long Live drifts through the territory of folk, country, and just about anything that could be described by the word ‘rustic’. And something about that descriptor rings true of this record, which seems to have no respect for these genres, but instead tries them on for size in a way both quaint and arrogant. Poor execution; dull results.

RIYL: self-aggrandizing hyper-literate trash

Grade: