By Martini Amour
I know that you all planned on opening up this week’s Chronicle hoping to find the University’s Most Eligible Bachelors. For the first time in my collegiate career, I realized that there are quite a few at this place, so to ensure an accurate portrayal and stellar selection of the University’s best beef cakes, I’m giving myself another week to put it all together. If you were too shy to express yourself earlier, speak up at [email protected].
Ladies, don’t forget I am on the lookout for the University’s Most Eligible Bachelorettes as well, so don’t be shy to e-mail me either. Don’t be sad, it’ll be worth the wait. Like any good girl, a tease is never a bad thing, now you’re just more eager to get it.
Then, I was at a loss not knowing what to write about in lieu of my original idea when it hit me-I was staring at a picture of Bradley Cooper. If you don’t know who he is, I suggest you use the plethora of information I like to call Google and enlighten yourselves. I decided he’d be the celebrity I’d most likely want to ummm… “hang out with.”
What importance does this have in your lives you ask? I have spent years compiling a list of questions I always ask any man who has the potential to stir my martini: favorite color, the five CDs to bring on a deserted island and favorite Kennedy are always the essentials to 60-second bonding with a member of the opposite sex. It also helps as a tool monitor to save yourself some time. In addition, I always ask, who in your mind would be the ultimate celebrity to hook up with? Why is it that no one ever knows? I could spit out my top five celebrities in a heartbeat, while the rest of the University’s students would say, “Oh, well, I’d have to think about that.”
There’s no thinking. It could make or break the rest of your dating life as you know it. So grab a paper and pen, and make your list of the hottest and most delectable celebrities for the next time someone uses this as a pick-up line. If any readers steal these ideas, there will be repercussions.
Like any good teacher, I will begin. Besides Bradley Cooper, I would have picked the late John F. Kennedy, Jr. In addition to epitomizing the classy male, he’s sure to have kept boat shoes on in bed and had great hair. Plus, he was charismatic and that just helps everywhere. I could have easily said Nick Carter, but that is a cop-out and says absolutely nothing about my type of man. When one is to respond to this question, one needs to be insightful and not lame. If your answer is lame, so are you.
For example, when I asked 20-year-old Ed, he said “Jenna Jamison, cause she’s a pro and she’s hot.”
Well, isn’t that just fabulous? What does that make a girl think? The next time a hot blonde porn star look-alike walks by, I’m history. Guys especially need to think about this proposition. Hot girls are a dime a dozen, so an answer that digs a little bit deeper is the key to success. When I asked 20-year-old Ron his opinion, he gave a mediocre answer and reason.
“Avril Lavigne because I know that whole bad girl thing is just an image, except maybe in bed, which would be hot,” he said.
Ron would get the prize behind door number two. Although he thought about the question a little bit more, he’s only scratching the surface.
As did 22-year-old Bob: “Nikki Hilton. She’s a water-downed version of her sister Paris [because] Paris may be a little too wild for me but would satisfy my dirty little rich girl fetish.”
At least if I heard that I would be inclined to go running in the other direction, so I guess that answer is quite beneficial.
Now ladies, don’t think that you were any better when it came to picking out your celebrity. Understandably, we don’t tend to know the name of every hot male porn star that ever lived, probably because there aren’t any, but your answers weren’t that great either.
Twenty-one-year-old Lauren said, “Justin Timberlake because he’s hot. He’d probably be good in bed.”
I don’t know about anyone else, but in the same way I see the Olsen twins, if I saw you go through puberty on the Mickey Mouse club, I don’t know how good in bed I’d perceive you to be. Lauren, put the ‘Nsync away and let’s be real here.
Twenty-year old Amanda went down the same path and said, “Paul Walker because he’s hot and I don’t have a good reason. It’s just Paul Walker. Need I say more?”
I appreciate the honesty-really I do-but surprisingly enough, women were more likely to base it on looks alone. Ladies, when did we become so vain? Oh that’s right, the moment Brad Pitt came onto the Thelma and Louise screen. Never mind, now I understand.
So how should you answer this question? Of course, my example in the beginning of the column is amazing. I am the master of the game; therefore, I am the master of the answer.
From a male perspective, 20-year-old Jeff hit it out of the ballpark (kind of like the Boston Red Sox) saying, “Mandy Moore. She is a wholesome celebrity with class and style, unlike the trashiness of other pop stars.”
If any man said that to me, I would get out my planner and cross off the next three years in dedication to him.
Twenty-year-old Alice also had a very good and thought-provoking answer, saying, “Seth Cohen from The OC and Adam Brody. [Brody’s] Jewish, hysterical, rich and cute.”
Her less than perfect reasons for a man exceed everyone else’s answers. Golf-clap, kids.
While you’re probably thinking how it’s possible I made an entire column about this one tiny subject, it is very important. During first interactions and first dates, the other person is looking for you to be honest yet insightful. That way, it won’t be a surprise when they find you wearing a leather and chain suit three weeks down the road. What you say will find its weird little way into their minds and stay there. As always, think before you speak and common sense will find a way, I promise. Next time, the Bachelors of the University will be named.

Nikki, not Paris Hilton, was selected by a male student because Paris “may be a little too wild” for him. (Image courtesy www.nypost.com)

Paul Walker, as shown here in The Fast and the Furious, was selected by one of the students of the University. (Image courtesy www.kinoweb.de)