By Matt Napolitano, Humor Columnist
Facebook and many a Pride account have been abuzz with the brand new group that is sweeping Hofstra nation. No, it’s not Ladies Night at Dizzy Lizard, it’s Charles Jenkins Facts. I mean, let’s face it, it’s the best thing to get you through class since Sporcle.
However, you can’t help but think back to 2008, when we were all doing the same thing with a different Chuck. Chuck Norris facts were the best thing since sliced bread (which is apparently now the best thing since Charles Jenkins). The claims of a man whose roundhouse kick toppled Saddam from power are now being tested by the claims of a man who knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie pop.
So the time has come. Thanks to the help of Facebookers like you, we must now throw down. Charles Jenkins. v. Chuck Norris.
|
JENKINS |
|
NORRIS |
|
Charles Jenkins has already been named Super Bowl MVP. Pittsburgh and Green Bay thought it would make things easier. |
ATHLETICISM |
Mark McGwire didn’t hit 70 home runs in a season. Chuck Norris just gave the balls a death stare until they left the ballpark. |
|
Jenkins taught his dog how to ball like him. Air Bud has gone onto great success in several sports. |
TALENT |
Chuck Norris once solved a Rubik’s Cube in the dark. |
|
George Washington crossed the Delaware…yea, that’s what they want you to think. |
LEADERSHIP |
Chuck Norris once kicked a man 26.2 miles during a trip to New York City. The next day, the NYC Marathon was born. |
|
Riots continue in Cairo, as Egyptians prefer Jenkins, while Mubarak continues to support Jimmer Fredette. |
IMPACT ON SOCIETY |
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. |
|
The presidential debate was held at Hofstra, simply because Obama and McCain wanted Jenkins’ advice on America. |
STARDOM |
Chuck Norris was in all 6 Star Wars movies…as the force. |
|
The Great Depression merely refers to the time before Charles Jenkins was born. |
ECONOMY |
General Motors got out of bankruptcy, after Chuck Norris sucker punched the CEO of Toyota. |
|
Charles Jenkins has helped several students in podiatric medicine, by breaking the ankles of several athletes. |
EDUCATION |
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. |
|
Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook, simply for the creation of Charles Jenkins Facts. |
POWER |
Chuck Norris always wins at poker. His fist beats all hands. |
|
Jenkins controls time, but has only one timekeeper: Mo Cassara |
MENTOR |
Bruce Lee taught him everything he knows, except how to hide from the Chinese mafia. |
|
Jenkins threw a ball over Tom Pecora’s hair, hence creating the infamous “overly-gelled” hairdo. |
ERRORS |
Norris once scared a young man so much, he will never reach puberty. Now we’re stuck with Justin Bieber. |
